The warm sun has come out to shine it's rays of happiness on us, everyone loves summer time. The fun, the food, and the swimming. It just makes your soul happy, honestly it has to be some of the happiest times of the year. Spending time outside with family, soaking up some vitamin D, camping, whatever your family enjoys. It's great unless you are on the side lines, unless you feel down on yourself, and insecure. It is a time when people show more skin than any other time of the year. We strip out of our baggy sweaters and into barely there swimsuits. This can be exciting for some, especially carefree children who just want to have fun, but for a mother or anyone who has struggled with their weight it can be difficult to enjoy it. I have told myself for years that next summer I will not sit on the sidelines feeling insecure in my swimsuit watching everyone else enjoy themselves, and every year the next summer comes and I feel the same way. It isn't so much the fear of others judging me but of the standards I am holding myself too. As soon as I slip into a swimsuit, shorts, or a tank top all of the hard work I have done doesn't seem to matter. It doesn't feel like enough, I change my clothes many times, and just feel worse and worse. Suddenly no matter how bright the sun is shinning I have a dark cloud hanging over me.
Swimming is most kids favorite activity, it is so much fun for them.
The kids ask to go swimming, I pull on my swimsuit and cover it with a cover up.
Then I avoid the mirror because if I look into it I will only pick myself apart.
I feel uncomfortable, the kids are smiling with joy and excitement. I smile back, but it is forced.
We get to the pool or the beach and I tell them to go ahead, even have my husband swim with them because I am not ready to pull my cover up off.
I watch from the sidelines as they laugh and have fun, they call me to come join them and I feel riddled with insecurities.
The hardest part is letting my insecurities control me, letting my own body image keep me from memories being made with my children. We will not get our first trip to the beach back when I stood back in the sand pulling at my shorts and shirt taking pictures of everyone but myself. (later deleting the ones others snapped of me) I didn't always stay on the sidelines, but I never felt completely comfortable and just fully enjoyed the moment. We had fun and I did make memories, but how much more powerful would those be if it wasn't tainted by my insecurities.
I am working hard, my body is changing slowly, but surely. My prayer is that we all embrace our bodies, we keep working at it, but feel proud and show off what we have accomplished. Not to feel uncomfortable in our own skin, the temple the Lord has given us. The moments and gift of life put before us should be made the most of, my prayer is that I learn to just enjoy the moment and let the insecurities wash away. I will no longer be the mom on the sidelines and I pray that you wont' either.
When feeling insecure I will pray, I will let the Lord's strength guide me and push the negative thoughts out of me. I will be radiant with him on my side.
"Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." -Psalm 34:5
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